11 Reasons Why Pop Tarts are Awesome (2024)

'Why 11 reasons?' you ask.
'Why not?' I say.

I’m not what you’d call a healthy eater, nor am I an unhealthy eater. I live in a special place somewhere in between where I eat limited amounts of vegetables and fruits and survive mostly on a handful of staple dinners and, of course, pop tarts.

I hated the concept of a pop tart when I was younger. I heard horror stories about people burning their lips and tongues on the filling and then there was the huge court case against Kellogg when Thomas Nangle failed to properly toast one and set his toaster on fire (honestly, how the hell can you screw that up?).

It wasn’t until I moved to Canada in 1997 and took up snowboarding that I discovered what a wonderfully tasty treat it actually was. Those tiny rectangular shaped pastries are responsible for not only keeping me alive but also provide me with a much needed sugar rush during slow afternoons at work. Here are the main reasons why pop tarts are awesome:

1) They’re conveniently sized so as not to ruin dinner.
2) They come in a variety of flavors to please every palate.
3) They’re colorful like a circus and spread fun and frivolity wherever they go.
4) Microwaving them for exactly 12 seconds heats them to the perfect temperature and avoids any unnecessary toaster fires.
5) In their uncooked state they can be used as a throwing weapon.
6) They’re neither healthy nor un-healthy. They won’t improve your physique but they also won’t make it any worse.
7) Eating a pop tart will result in no animals being harmed.
8) No girl can resist a man with a pop tart in his hand.
9) They increase your IQ.
10) If your table is uneven you can stick a pop tart under one of the legs to even it out.
11) In the unlikely event that the world comes to a crashing end through earthquakes, disease and nuclear war and I’m trapped in a bunker far beneath the earth existing only in a frozen status brought on by a freak power surge until a million years later I emerge unaffected by time…I’ll still be able to survive on pop tarts as they have no expiry date!

Other than those poor demented people who are constantly setting their toasters on fire everyone should experience the wonder of the pop tart. Why are you still reading this? Go! Now! Run to your local store! Miraculous wonders await you!!

If you’re still reading by this point then I’ll assume you recently experienced a horrible toaster fire, in which case I apologize for calling you 'demented' in the last paragraph.